MY LETTER TO WEEN

The following letter was mailed to Chocodog Records to address a grievance. True Story.

Dear WEEN, 

 In late 2009, I was getting divorced after several years of an unnecessary marriage.  We were both huge fans of WEEN and had recently seen them live in Houston and it was a staggering performance.  If living in redneck mediocrity know as Huntsville Texas was comparable to a stretch in prison, a chance to travel to Houston to see WEEN live was the equivalent of parole.  Good times.   

But the good times, as they always do, had to come to an end.  In the process of moving my worldly possessions out of our home (comic books, vinyl records, guitars and a cat), I arbitrarily gave my cousin a WEEN poster I had ordered from the CHOCODOG website a number of years ago.  It was a brown cardstock concert poster with various dogs and an old man on it.  He is also a WEEN fan and had traveled from Louisianan to help me move.  The poster seemed like an appropriate gesture of my gratitude.  After a long day of moving in the humidity of East Texas, we cracked a bottle of rum and tried to forget all the ugliness.

However, much to my surprise and bewilderment, when I visited the attorney’s office to review the divorce proceedings, the only sticking point was that I return “a WEEN music poster” (I have included copies of the paperwork to confirm this).  I immediately burst into a fit of laughter triggered by the absurdity of it all, and I could not stop!  This poor legal aid was accustom to crying, bitter spouses reacting in horrible and stupid ways to the situations they were in, but here I was laughing in her face.  “A fucking poster? A fucking poster?” is all I could produce between laughs. 

Finally she asked, “Is this your first divorce?” 

“Yes ma’am, but it won’t be my last.  This is too damn comical!”

In turn, a trip to Louisiana was planned to recover the poster.   My entire existence was reduced to recouping a piece of cardstock paper that had hung on the wall of my jam room for years was now concealed in a poster tube over 300 miles away.   In the process of retrieving the poster from my cousin the following missteps occurred:  

1. Speeding ticket from the Louisiana State Police

2. Got blackout drunk

3. Nearly fought someone (I do not remember this- see#2)

4. Slept in my truck (Again see #2)

After I regained possession of the poster I seriously considered leaving a little “signature” on it in the special way that only a man can (think DNA);  one final parting gift only detectable by black light.  But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I dropped it at the attorney’s office with no further incident. 

So the question is: Why am I telling you guys this?  First, I would like a new poster – free of charge – considering the pain and misery the first one caused me.  You should stand behind your merchandise, my friends.  Had I know the ramifications of purchasing the first one from your website, clearly, I would have not!  Secondly, and most importantly, this is a truly outrageous story.  I wish I had the intelligence and cleverness to fabricate this tale, but it is all true.  As mentioned above, I have included copies of the divorce paperwork to prove my claims.  I have removed her name from the forms.       

Originally Published in ROUGHDALE III
Chris