IF YOU LIKE GHOST . . . OR IF YOU HATE THEM

With all the pending court battles for GHOST, it looks like MAGNA CARTA CARTEL will get a second chance.  Is it me or does this seem very similar to what SLIPKNOT did?  Let’s get all famous and then go back to our old bands and try to get them as famous as our major label band?  I’m looking at you Cory Taylor.  I don’t know if that’s the case here or GHOST has simply run its course with these guys.  I could only imagine that after a while all the theatrics and costumes would get old. 

“Let’s just jam without having to dress up!” I can imagine being said after every GHOST show.  In fact, there is an old MCC video on You Tube and it really looks like Tobias Forge is not wearing any pants at the show. 

       

MCC, in my opinion, was the band that they wanted to succeed and be taken seriously.  However, GHOST took off and everyone outside of the band took it way too seriously.  I always sensed that GHOST was such a sham and that the guys behind the masks were laughing at everyone who took them seriously.  That being said, if you like THE DOORS you need to listen to GHOST sometime.  The song Secular Haze sounds like it could have been on Strange Days or Waiting for the Sun.  It’s like Jim Morrison and the boys tried to play metal.

You will find some of the same melodies in MCC as you do in GHOST, but MCC is not heavy at all.  They slide between PINK FLOYD and JESU type vibes with tons of acoustic guitars and instrumental tracks.  Tobias Forge (Papa Emeritus) is singing . . .  or at least I think it’s him.  Who the hell really knows with these guys? 

The new MCC EP comes out May 5th.  Check out the video for one of the new songs. 

Chris 

MY LETTER TO WEEN

The following letter was mailed to Chocodog Records to address a grievance. True Story.

Dear WEEN, 

 In late 2009, I was getting divorced after several years of an unnecessary marriage.  We were both huge fans of WEEN and had recently seen them live in Houston and it was a staggering performance.  If living in redneck mediocrity know as Huntsville Texas was comparable to a stretch in prison, a chance to travel to Houston to see WEEN live was the equivalent of parole.  Good times.   

But the good times, as they always do, had to come to an end.  In the process of moving my worldly possessions out of our home (comic books, vinyl records, guitars and a cat), I arbitrarily gave my cousin a WEEN poster I had ordered from the CHOCODOG website a number of years ago.  It was a brown cardstock concert poster with various dogs and an old man on it.  He is also a WEEN fan and had traveled from Louisianan to help me move.  The poster seemed like an appropriate gesture of my gratitude.  After a long day of moving in the humidity of East Texas, we cracked a bottle of rum and tried to forget all the ugliness.

However, much to my surprise and bewilderment, when I visited the attorney’s office to review the divorce proceedings, the only sticking point was that I return “a WEEN music poster” (I have included copies of the paperwork to confirm this).  I immediately burst into a fit of laughter triggered by the absurdity of it all, and I could not stop!  This poor legal aid was accustom to crying, bitter spouses reacting in horrible and stupid ways to the situations they were in, but here I was laughing in her face.  “A fucking poster? A fucking poster?” is all I could produce between laughs. 

Finally she asked, “Is this your first divorce?” 

“Yes ma’am, but it won’t be my last.  This is too damn comical!”

In turn, a trip to Louisiana was planned to recover the poster.   My entire existence was reduced to recouping a piece of cardstock paper that had hung on the wall of my jam room for years was now concealed in a poster tube over 300 miles away.   In the process of retrieving the poster from my cousin the following missteps occurred:  

1. Speeding ticket from the Louisiana State Police

2. Got blackout drunk

3. Nearly fought someone (I do not remember this- see#2)

4. Slept in my truck (Again see #2)

After I regained possession of the poster I seriously considered leaving a little “signature” on it in the special way that only a man can (think DNA);  one final parting gift only detectable by black light.  But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I dropped it at the attorney’s office with no further incident. 

So the question is: Why am I telling you guys this?  First, I would like a new poster – free of charge – considering the pain and misery the first one caused me.  You should stand behind your merchandise, my friends.  Had I know the ramifications of purchasing the first one from your website, clearly, I would have not!  Secondly, and most importantly, this is a truly outrageous story.  I wish I had the intelligence and cleverness to fabricate this tale, but it is all true.  As mentioned above, I have included copies of the divorce paperwork to prove my claims.  I have removed her name from the forms.       

Originally Published in ROUGHDALE III
Chris 

IKE LIKES TO GET WASTED

Ike likes to get wasted . . . and thank God he does.

Ike’s Wasted World is a throwback to the simpler and better times in rock and metal.  These songs breathe.  There is space for the riffs and drums to linger and there is an undercurrent of blues that runs throughout the songs.  In short, this is good stuff.  I would love to spend a day looking at this band’s record collection.  I bet I would find tons of killer 70’s rock and metal records. 

   

This album would be the perfect for a road trip or make a killer soundtrack for a biker movie. 

In short, this is an album made for action.  Action and beers.

For fans of: DIO, CANDLEMASS, LYNYRD SKYNYRD, BUDGIE, and BLACK SABBATH

Chris

https://www.facebook.com/Ikes-Wasted-World-1002579236427006/

FREE COLLEGE

This isn’t about Bernie Sanders and his promises of making college free in America, but the last time I received any "free education" was in high school.  The thought of our colleges turning into high schools scares me deeply.  Sometimes you get what you pay for in life.  However, this about actual free college for those who truly love to learn. 

How the Open Yale Courses are not the biggest thing on the internet is beyond me.  It’s freaking YALE!  They have cameras set up in the classes and you can watch an entire course for free!  Some classes have $20 companion books for the courses and they range from economics, philosophy to pre-law course.  Did I mention this was all free?

You can check it out on You Tube and I Tunes. 

So put down the phone or remote and get ur lern on!

http://oyc.yale.edu/

Chris 

THE CHEESEBURGER THEORY

I did not come up with The Cheeseburger Theory, but I wish I had.  It was first explained to me by a good friend around late 2002.  This was during the build up to the Iraq invasion and it went like this: invade the country, get rid of Saddam, put a McDonald's on every corner and all will be good.  Not to go down the road of how the war actually played out, but at the time it sounded plausible to me.  Even if The Cheeseburger Theory sounded crazy, and as much as I was against the Iraq war and as much as I hated to admit it, I could totally see it working. 

I did believe The Cheeseburger Theory for a while as it has enjoyed enormous success in America.  Everywhere I looked I would see cheeseburgers for sale and people are happy to stand in line for them.  They are cheap and they make you fat and happy, and that is not a bad deal for $2.99.  I patiently waited, via cable news, for the same scenario to play out in Iraq but, sadly, The Cheeseburger Theory never gained any traction.  I think all the McDonald’s were ultimately car-bombed and the employees were beheaded.  And you thought working at a McDonald’s in America sucked?

To this day, when I hear about how terrible life is in this county, I always come back to The Cheeseburger Theory.  How can life be so bad if there are cheeseburgers available everywhere?  How is life so miserable when you can get stuffed on beef, bread, and cheese for a few bucks?  And if you get beheaded in this country, you were either hanging with some real psychos or you just had it coming. 

Full disclosure: I hate cheese and only eat normal hamburgers. 

Chris 

"DIGITAL LIFESTYLES"

Strolling through my local chain book store last Sunday I came across this “Digital Lifestyles” section.  First, let me say that this is stroke of marketing genius.  I would have never thought of this in a million years, but someone did and now people can justify their laziness as a lifestyle.  Hours and hours spent staring at a screen and clicking buttons is a lifestyle choice now people, get with the program.

 

Honestly, I wish I was a gamer on some level.  It seems like such an escape to be so captivated by a video game.  You go and buy a new game and there goes your weekend.  It must be great to not be distracted by anything else.  I do own a PS3 which I play a few times a year – mainly some Madden when football season kicks off and I get the football fever.  But I can’t do it year around for hours on end.  I use my PS3 to watch movies and You Tube most of the time. 

I once worked with a guy who told me, in the course of getting to know one another, he always took a week off in November without exception.  I asked was it an anniversary thing for him and his wife, to which he answered, “No way! That’s when the new Call of Duty comes out!”  He would wait at Game Stop until midnight to get the new Call of Duty and then take an entire week off from work to play it.  He had truly embraced the “Digital Lifestyle”.

“By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising . . . kill yourself.” – Bill Hicks

Chris 

EYEHATEGOD

EYEHATEGOD

Any record review worth a damn should begin with an album that means something to the person.  I am going to spare you any “This record saved my life!” moments as well, because, if anything, this record was the soundtrack to a very bleak era of my life characterized by alcohol, stupidity, pawn shops, and an unwavering pursuit of oblivion.  So, I give you EYEHATEGOD’s “Take as Needed for Pain.”

There is something buried in the layers of sludge, down tuned guitars, feedback, and screaming that seemed to fit my descent into a very Bukowski-like lifestyle.  Most days I would show up to work still half drunk and stoned to go through the motions required of me to earn a paycheck.  Immediately after payday, I would spend the weekend drinking Budweiser, smoking like a freight train while EHG blared from my stereo.  It was like always having good company around you; the kind of company that always approves of your self-destruction and never seems to pass judgment. 

Welcome to Sketch Town, bubba.     

I am not trying to glorify or recommend that kind of lifestyle to anyone.  However, EHG will always serve as a good soundtrack if you find yourself in that kind of situation.  Below I have listed a few key points to serve as a guide to help the reader determine if they are currently in similar a situation:

·         Missing work due to massive hangovers/ Still too intoxicated to work

·         Using change to buy booze

·         More of your possessions are in the pawn shop than at your house

·          Planning ways to screw people over for your own amusement

·         Secretly hating everyone around you

·         Random acts of vandalism past the age of 30

This music is not for the faint of heart.  It is not necessarily even intended for “happy” people. Those suburban wasters who are happy to spend their weekends agonizing over which type of shrub or bush will complete their “backyard oasis” at the local mega-home improvement outlet store.  It is not for those who worry about how high-interest rates will affect their 30 year mortgage, while still allowing sufficient funds for their wife’s long overdue breast augmentation.  

You don’t listen to EHG on the golf course.  You don’t listen to EHG on your way to Old Navy. You don’t listen to EHG while you are crying to psychiatrist about how your mom never showed you any affection and how your dad forgot your birthday.  You listen to this band when you have given up and you don’t give a fuck anymore.  You suck up your problems and accept your broken, hopeless lot in life.  You gather up all your loose change, decide what items will go to the pawn shop today, call the guy who gets things, and you chase oblivion.  

Chris